Life's changing colours

I am writing this post with absolutely nothing in mind or should I say nothing "specific". Maybe that is the reason I think I should write about something which had hovered in front of my eyes like the rain clouds. These clouds becomes a part of everything you do (during the rainy season).. you dont really give its existence a seperate thought but every now and then you cant help but acknowledge them...Its been a little more than 9 months that I have been in US on an onsite engagement. I had experienced a variety of things during this time, travelled to umpteen no. of places.. did things which would have seemed impossible a couple of months back but in the midst of all this there had been something which had kept disturbing me...There had been no sign of any relief as far as I could see. All my attempts of bringing it back on track had seemed futile or even counter-productive in some cases. Thinking about it had led to a state of disbelief, surprise, anger, fear, helplessness, misery, injustice, .. ( I am seriously running short of words here....)

Around 7 months back I lost something very important. By now you would have understood that the sense of loss had been unbearable. Its not that I am weak and this had been the first time I had been through a crunch situation but this had been different. It had ached in places which I never knew existed. Long before I had read a book "The Alchemist" which had talked about following the signs, that the whole world conspiring in favor of you when you really want something in life. Well I had never wanted something more........but I always felt that in this particular case the whole world had conspired against it!!

People talk about "Destiny being decided!" I couldnt agree more.. there are certain things in life which are just destined to happen.. no matter how hard you try, how much you cry it is not gonna change. I do believe in 'Karma' in doing what you are supposed to do to the best of your abilities but maybe that too is not enough. So should you stop trying - well absolutely NOT! Never give up on your dreams as nothing is left without them... there is no difference between you and a dead person. But the trick is to stop at some point of time.. to let go of things which you somehow cannot control. That brings about a question - what can you actually control? Frankly I dont know the answer and the one I know is too cliched... but thats what it is.. sometimes I feel the Bhagwad Gita is one of the most practical book of all times.. even if you leave out the mythological part (and the GODly stuff for people who are atheists) there are lessons to learn from it. You are only as good as your actions.. thats the only thing which is in your hand.. which you can "control".. something which we know as "Karma" [A word gaining prominence as I type all over the world] Do your job.. and just leave the rest! More often than not you would see the pieces falling into place... all the fuzzy stuff (the ones which are not "meant to be") fading away.. being replaced by the important ones.. and life moving on.... There will be this occasional pain.. the sense of loss.. the void which might always remain or maybe pave way for something far more meaningful.. but still life would be progressive.. you would move in the right direction - something you should have done long ago but maybe didnt/couldnt or wouldnt!!!! Nothing is more worthless than chasing an irrelevant dream.... but we all do these.. thats what make life's experiences and maybe not everyone is so fortunate to have them. These events add the so-important spice in your life.. make you jump out of the page.......

I guess people who know me well have surely understood what had I been writing about... many of them would have also frowned.. some would have laughed, some sympathized, some would be thinking "I always knew this is gonna happen" and some would have just not cared.... none of which mind you, takes away anything from the situation I am in nor does it reduces the grevity of the matter. The fact remains and so does my resolution to leave back the "fuzzy" stuff and march ahead!!!!

P.S. I am sorry if the tone of my post seems pessimistic and sad.. Despite what someone would feel after reading the above I am at heart a true optimist!!! Hopefully as the topic of the post suggests - the colours would change soon!!!!!!